I am like you too
Just like other ADHD peers, I have struggled from ADHD since I was a child but I have utilised my ADHD creativity. I haven’t noticed I have abnormal attention until I was in my 20s without knowing this is ADHD.
During my childhood, I never felt I have an ADHD problem because I worked harder than others to read and succeed. I used to shout loudly, doodle, and read on different positions from sitting 5 minutes to walk in circles, not to mention the upright position. Until my natural way of beating ADHD started to take new forms. I started to meditate, train my focus and do physical exercises until I had some belts in martial arts. However, all of the above didn’t make meable to deal with tasks which can easily be done by an average person.
Noticing the difference and feeling that ADHD Creativity
I have noticed my different way of thinking, and looking at the world through many angles, that I could predict a lot of future events. I became very good in editing, programming, painting, piano and over all understanding people. My mind is interested in knowing a wide variety of issues. From understanding the big bang theory, dark matter in atomic structure, theology, animals, peace, nature, cars, buildings, medicine, psychology, sociology, mathematics, technology, future development, etc.
My biggest struggle started again after I joined the medical college, initially was a mistake I did, as I did great in architectural engineering. You can imagine the tough study needed to pass the medical college. And where my brain stood from all of this, it was a very hard time, and I can say it was a miracle I passed. I don’t know from where this determination of will power I had, a gift and a curse, because it made me keep walking through the field of thorns. Trying to reach the scattered lights, leaving scars over my body.
When my friends started seeing the difference too
My friends noticed my creativity, and they advised me to go for psychiatry. Because I was very good at understanding people and providing them with advices. So I have joined training in psychiatry, and silly me, I never thought I have ADHD with moderate Dyslexia problem. I thought everyone is having the same challenge in focus, reading and writing, and possibly due to my mind rejecting the idea that my brain is having a problem, hence I used to write a lot of blogs everywhere on improving focus, thinking everyone else is interested in or having the same issue.
Although it is an agony in trying to live an ordinary average brainers’ world with our ADHD brains. I instinctually started to utilise my points of strength. My geometric creative mind has done some of the best presentations that I keep hearing they are the best attended, and I was honoured as the best ‘teacher in medical college’. I have been called to participate in numerous workshops requiring the ability to attract people’s attention, I did group meditations, Tai chi, animated presentations in my seminars, that no one could fall asleep for a min, of course, I was treating the audience as if I am dealing with myself, and could feel when someone is feeling bored.
Although I struggled from social anxiety due to my restless eyes, It didn’t stop me to push harder. And to utilise my multidimensional attitude to understand people in a non judgmental way, to sympathise with their struggle, and to passionately help them counting on sincere feelings which I excel in. I keep referring to ‘I , I ‘ but its not me, it is the ADHD us, if one of you were in my place, you were to do better.
It happened by coincidence one year ago from this blog. A friend of mine, who was diagnosed with ADHD was seeking my advice. I was surprised his symptoms were mimicking mine, which brought me a lot of questions about myself. Eventually, I couldn’t resist not to tell him I have much worse than what he disclosed to me. He either didn’t believe it, and said how could you go through all your success if you have Dyslexia with ADHD, not knowing all the pain I have encountered, every single day in my career life.
It was not easy
It was unimaginable how hard it was when I decided to tell my GP, told her simple things before disclosing to her my conclusion, that I think I have ADHD, and that I ‘Need HELP’, she disregarded every symptom I said, and turned me severely dyslexic not knowing what to say, and said you are a doctor go exercise and have good sleep it is very usual to have poor attention and sleepiness in your career, not knowing how hard it is for doctor ego to ask a less experienced colleague that he needs help, because it looks ridiculous for a psychiatrist to suffer from ADHD. I honestly turned tearful the day after, and it brought me a kind of shock and avoiding disclosing anymore to my GP.
Since that question was aroused by my friend, I asked to review referred patients to our community psychiatry clinic who struggle from comorbid disorders with ADHD. It made me more surprised how the symptoms are similar, I prescribed them medications, gave them enormous advices, and did what I could to help them, and they said it is the first time someone cares for them and sincerely respect them, and me looking pathetically at myself, but happy for the help I could do to people who had enough. I asked my clinical supervisor to refer me to occupational health, and to the ADHD clinic which is part of our trust. The ADHD clinic consultant felt embarrassed to treat a colleague, and they said it is hard for the GP to refer me to a different catchment area, with this my hopes fell down like a heavy rain.
A message for all of you and this project
I haven’t surrendered yet, and is trying to set my mind to self refer to a private psychiatrist, trying to swallow my pride, and to do myself an exposure therapy to re-seek help. With my poor time management and piles of tasks, it was hard to join you guys in writing a post, but you are part of my family, you probably have gone through similar stories, better or worse, but together we try to help each others to cope from what we have learned. We learn from this ADHD phenomena not only to help ourselves, but to help everyone struggling from other problems. We are all cells forming one body, life.
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